Letter to my 20 year self

What would I say if I could speak to myself 10 years ago? Remembering everything back I guess I wouldn’t say a word and just hug me. So many things happened in that particular year. I was feeling so lost, lonely and trying to find my own identity. I will also say it took me long to recover. It’s not easy to be 20 years old and trying to reborn from the ashes. I did, although I never believed I would. So here it goes:

Dear me, I’m writing to you from the future. I’m now very close to 30 and I can say it’s hard to believe all I’ve been through, but I grew strong. I’m quite successful in my job, but I guess you were expecting that. Never give up working hard and it will pay off! Learning is quite a curve and you need to be ready to do anything, just make sure you follow your principles and everything will be alright. But that’s not where you need any advice right now, is it?
Ah… 2004, I still remember it.
It’s been the most remarkable year in your life, and I have to say it still is. So much has happened. It was quite a game changer. If I could see you right now, I would hug you so dearly.
I know how you feel so lonely surrounded by people, not understanding why all this things happen to you. It’s hard not having anyone by your side that you can really trust, that you can be your true self. You think no one will ever understand what you are feeling, but maybe they would. You should be living more and letting all go. Be like all the other 20 year old out there, go to the parties, get drunk, be with your friends, don’t hold everything within yourself. But it’s easy to say isn’t it? It feels like vague words. Somehow you feel there’s something bigger out there, and that enjoying the fact that you’re young is not something important. It is! You should open up a bit more and maybe you will have more people around you, people that truly care about what you are. I guess you spend too much time thinking about the past that living the present. You blame yourself for everything that happen to you. It was not your fault! It wasn’t. All you ever wanted was to feel loved, at least once. But your low self esteem takes the best of you, even 10 years later – although I’ve learned to value the person I grew up to be. I don’t have many friends, but I have good ones and people really value my strength, can you believe that? Even at work everyone is amazed by the fact I can handle stress so well, and with a smile. I guess I’ve learned it all from you, the master of hiding tears with a smile. Oh my dear, just live: go, have fun, do all you feel you should be doing without holding back.

You’ve met friends for life this year and most of all, believe it or not you will find love finally. Well, it won’t go that well at the beginning, but in a few years time you’ll have your first “I Love you”. It all started 10 years ago, and we’re still around. Just don’t give up, please. And here I will quote you: “My dad always said I live in my fantasy world, surrounded by music and computer and don’t allow anyone to get in and then forget to live.” Daddy is right you know? Live, you won’t regret it. You will survive all of this, even if you still remember all the bad things that happened for many year to come. But there was also lots of good moments you’ve let go because you were too focused on the half-empty glass to recognize them.
Remembered when you were looking at the moonlight on the beach and when you’ve hold firm and said: “I’m strong than this, I can do it”? You can and you will.
Thank you for helping me being who I am today.
Ah oh, P.s please tell daddy more often you love him. You hold too much what you feel without ever saying it. I hope you learn to be free, even from yourself. Live.


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