.: Do you ever wonder? :.

Do you ever wonder why you do the things you do?
I do
A lot

I blame myself for being an idiot and keep on giving myself so much at work and then leaving all the important things behind. It’s that sense of commitment that keeps me moving, the need to deliver something and feel that I was part of something.
The need to feel a sense of belong and not let the team down even if it means rolling my sleeves and doing much more than I should.
Then you have that reality check when people just ask: but why do you do that? And that’s the moment when I realise I didn’t had the chance to even think about it and I simply don’t know.
It’s not even because I feel that I’m career oriented, I’m ambitious in a way that I want a career and want to feel that I’m growing, but it’s more within me. I want to deliver, I want to feel proud, I want to feel like I’m growing and only then I would try to get people to notice that. It’s that sense of ownership and not letting go. It’s learning to say no. And I never learn. Never

Work smarter, not harder.
That’s a mantra I wish I could follow, but it’s stronger than me. And then I blame myself, several times. Look into the mirror and all I see is an exhausted face looking back at me. Someone I should recognise but I realise I don’t. When did I aged to much?
But then I also wonder, is it worth it? Is it? I’m not entirely sure it is, because I’m leaving too much behind. There’s a world outside and it feels I’m missing out. Should look better for the ones I love, should spend more time doing the things I like to do, and worry less that I won’t be up to the standards.

I don’t want to look in a few years time and regret all the things I didn’t do because I was being dragged away by what’s not necessarily the priority. I don’t want to look into the mirror and feel empty. Don’t want to wait for a moment when something bad might happen to suddenly realise I need to change it all.

Do all the things I didn’t dare doing. Travel to the places I always dreamed of going. Say yes to your friends, spend more time smiling and photographing the world. Be part of the story, don’t just tell it. Dare!

But when I wonder, why do I do the things that I do instead?

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